Self-Confidence vs. Self-Promotion

 I concluded this week reflecting on the difference in my meetings with students who were calm and confident compared to those who were eager to self-promote. 

I have enough experience to see the difference between humility and the humble brag, but the differences between students this week were particularly striking. Each of the students is applying to top tier programs. The self-confident students are far more relaxed, taking some risks with their essays, and are confident that their counselor letter will do its job. The self-promoters are far more anxious, overworking or overselling their essays, and want to micromanage what's included in their letter. 

Honestly, the mommy in me wants to shrink the self-promoters down to infant-size and rock them while I croon, "Hush. It's okay. It will all be alright." A weird image, but parents out there will understand.

When I say self-confident, I am speaking of the quietly confident, centered souls. They may or may not be outwardly confident. Many are introverted. But they understand that they don't know everything, but they do know some things....and that this is as it should be. 

The self-promoting students often seek external validation in the form of awards and grades. They are excellent students, but centered more on achievement than on learning. The college application process is unnerving because they cannot control the outcome. They try to do "extra credit" in the form of portfolios, links, projects, interviews, and getting to know their counselor. But they understand that they don't know everything, but they do know some things...and it bothers them that someone else might know the "right" things. (As if there are "right things" to know!)

The joy and pain of working with adolescents is watching them grow into themselves. The emotional growth is just as apparent as the physical. Everyone is on their own timeline. If only we could be guaranteed that we would see glimpses of these students through the decades. No one is ever a finished product; we are all still growing up and into ourselves. But it would be nice to have a glimpse of the future and be reassured that each of our 'kids' will grow in confidence and humility. I am both hopeful and optimistic that they will. 

Recognizing Your Worth

In four separate meetings today, I found myself pointing out to students their own worth. From their character, to their contributions to our community, to their intellectualism, to their compassion, each of these students was impressive in their own right. Yet, none of them felt comfortable acknowledging this. Some had a hard time believing it.

I get that. Few want to openly state how great they are; we pride ourselves (ironically?) on being humble. And yet, I insist that they listen. I insist that in their deepest core, the part that goes beyond the fear of acceptance/rejection, that they accept their unique contributions to our world. While others may be involved in similar activities, get similar grades, or have similar aspirations, no one else can be them. I often say, "You are the best you that exists. Own it. Be yourself. That kind of authenticity is refreshing." Easy enough for me to say when I am not putting myself on the line.

I get that, too. And so, I acknowledge that this is scary. This applying for college thing. This putting yourself out there thing. This being authentic in the face of potential rejection. It is scary. It is big. But recognizing your value and what you bring to the table is important. Authenticity is important. Speaking your truth in your own clear voice is important. So, I listen; I encourage; I insist. 

......

This seems to invite an Allegory of the Cave analogy.

The next step is to get students to embrace the reality that it is not THEM that might be rejected. It's their application. It's a file that inadequately sums up who they are. (It is a shadow in the cave.) THEY cannot be fully captured on paper. So it's this representation of them that is rejected (or accepted.) Once we can separate applications from our sense of self, we can hopefully be merely disappointed (rather than devastated) if things don't work out as we'd hoped....and we can be joyous (rather than boastful) when our applications are accepted.

Welcome to Our College Corner!

 As a college counselor, I find myself saying the same things...again and again. Students are unique but the high school experience and the college search and application process are easy to generalize. The goal of this blog is to capture the questions and tone of each day that I post. I'm curious to see the cycle, the tenor of conversations, and the questions in print. Maybe some wisdom will come to light!